Welcome to the home of the very worst of the meretricious poetasters!
number 62 for 9-28-05:
You Might Be A Christian If...
You may recall back in CTF 54 that I cited a Goth list that a church made up for parents in CTF 54.
It was, to put it mildly, laughable. It was sent to me by James Carlyle, reader and correspondent...who returned the following a few days back to go with the article:
Neal:
I'm here at work, bored out of my skull again, so to make up for a lack of intellectual stimulation I made my own list from the text of the Goth List I sent you. I thought you might enjoy it:
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from rational thought. Religion (or fanaticism) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The fanatic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, hate, false hope and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counseling, reason, and parental guidance to rid your child of temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:
-Frequently wears dress-style clothing.
-Wears Jesus and/or "Christian Rock" t-shirts.
-Wears no eye makeup, lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd crosses or symbols.
-Shows no interest in piercing or tattoos.
-Listens to Christian or any other anti-social genres of music. (DC Talk is a proponent of irrational thought and often claims that a man in the sky will take us to a place of light if we believe in him and shun modern science. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows an increasing interest in fanatical subject matter, such as: the Bible, prayer, or church.
-Shows a declining interest in death, skateboards, magic, superheroes, sports, comic books or anything else that a normal, healthy child embraces.
-Is ignorant and/or misled by appointed authority figures.
-Prays, supplicates or partakes in any other method of self-degradation.(This is a fanatic ritual that uses kneeling and uncomfortable sitting positions to turn over responsibility for their actions to said invisible man. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of "family time."
-Spends large amounts of time alone with a bible.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through an antiquated form of meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Misbehaves at school when the science class attempts to study evolution.
-Misbehaves at home when you refuse to take them to church.
-Eats excessively or too little.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Fanatics believe blessed wine is the blood of their 2000-year-old savior. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
_Is obsessed with a mythical date sometime in the future known as "the Rapture."
-Watches religious television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local TV Guide for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos that contain biblical characters or talking vegetables.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time to set the content filter for the computer.
-Sways in a detached ecstasy to music.
-Dances to music in a conservative or repressed manner.
-Expresses no interest in sex.
-Masturbates very little, if at all. (Fanatics believe their own bodies to be dirty, even when they are not. This is a very serious sign that your child has been told lies concerning reproduction.)
-Is hateful and intolerant of anyone homosexual and/or bisexual. (Fanatics steadfastly deny the reality of the number of studies which have proven that homosexuality is genetic, they believe it to be a disease and try to "cure" homosexuals of their happiness, sometimes by attempting to beat it out of them.)
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Christianity, Scientology, Methodism, Protestantism, Catholicism, Baptism and most importantly Evangelism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "Jesus Saves", "The Lord Cometh", "God Loves You" or "Bush/Cheney 2004."
-Claims to be a Christian.
If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The fanatic culture is dangerous and evil thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
Very true, James. Very true. I'm still baffled that there are many more people who think it more of a logical possibility that there's an invisible man who tells us what is right and wrong than there are people who enjoy reading. Hell, Goths like me never stood a chance.
In light of the fact that there will not be a CTF for two more days, one last punch on the way out:
While you were watching Rita and Katrina on the news, the government was passing new laws that allow ANYONE who is detained for any reason at all, convicted or innocent, to have their DNA samples taken in the name of "preventing crime".
Just so you know.
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