Welcome to the home of the very worst of the meretricious poetasters!
number 81 for 11-15-05:
The Deeply Irresponsible
WE INTERRUPT YOUR CTF FOR THIS IMPORTANT PIECE OF NEWS!
A WHITE WOMAN, A MISSING WHITE WOMAN, HAS BEEN FOUND!
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In other news, Fox News is organizing a ticker tape parade to celebrate the-
NO, WAIT! ANOTHER MISSING WHITE GIRL!
I shit you not, in the time that it took me to write this, they have started the search for ANOTHER missing white girl. Fuck me.
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Now show me the story with the missing men...or hell, a black girl, who has a statistically higher chance of being kidnapped.
In other less than savory news, as you may have noticed, Bill O'Reilly just advocated that terrorists take out a landmark in San Francisco because he didn't agree with the way the county voted. No shit. Really happened. Audio at the links.
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His rationale? They voted down a measure that allows military recruiters to come onto high school and college campuses.
Personally, I don't have any problem with recruiters on campuses, so long as they stop calling my ass when I tell them to (they don't), but to react by saying we should let terrorists blow up a fucking monument?
I can't remember the exact month, and I can't find it, looking, but I know for a fact that a few years back either Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson (I forget which) made a comment that was loosely construed as a threat to the president and they tried to have him investigated.
Who is stepping up to condemn O'Reilly's comments?
A google search for O'Reilly and condemned and many variants turned up nothing but things that O'Reilly is condemning, including the ACLU, France, and other notably easy targets that represent freedoms and non-white anglo-saxon America.
In other words, no one gives a shit that he just said it would be great if another terrorist act happened to someone just because he disagreed with him.
But porn? Oh, we must stop porn.
In America, if you have a million dollars, do you use it to help people?
Well, there are some who would but the one million dollar tire rim otherwise.
I think they should be shot, but that's just me. If O'Reilly can hope that people he disagrees with get killed without rebuke, well fuck it, so can I.
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Bill Frist is still a fucking prick. It's been shown again and again through his actions, but now he's said that he cares more about who leaked the fact that there are secret CIA torture prisons than the fact that they exist and people are dying inside of them.
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A prisoner has been elected to a school board for, the talking head I don't trust says, being at the top of the ballot.
I don't know about you, but when I vote, I sit in front of the internet, pull up relevant information, and decide. Or, if I go to a poll, I pull up the info, then go.
How the fuck is it that so many people will just pick the top name on the list instead of abstaining? What is wrong with us? No one gives a shit about who is in charge of us! We're going to get fucked if this continues, I shit you not.
Ah, but you don't care anyway.
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And then, a ray of light. In the "Intelligent Design" debate, the members who forced Creationism, which is what Intelligent Design is, on children, were ousted, to a man and woman.
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But then Pat Robertson, fresh from plotting the death of a foreign head of state, stepped in and threatened the people of the state with God's Wrath.
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Tell me, why the fuck would you want to be a part of any religion that wins the dedication of its followers through threats and guilt?
I like Roger Ebert. I don't always agree with him, but I tend to like his style. My buddy Will has got me hooked on his ass.
His partner Roeper? Well, he just fell off the damned turnip truck.
Get a load of the below article, where he defines "THE SHOCKER!" a hand gesture used in place of the devil horns and the middle finger now to get a nasty gesture on camera when you're 15 or an adult with a sense of humor.
The article goes for, no shit, 850 words, but at no point does it ever tell you what the hell the shocker MEANS. It just tells you to assume and guess.
Well, here's the thing. I can tell you in a family friendly way that Roeper could have gotten away with what it means, so he should have as well.
It means digital anal and vaginal contact, with the anal contact being a surprise.
Or it means sticking your finger in her cunt, and while she's distracted, sticking it up her ass. And though Roeper says it's for pleasure, by my understanding it's supposed to be a shocker.
How hard is that to write, and what's the big deal about it? If you don't want your kids reading about the shocker, hiding it behind language that a kid can easily decipher isn't doing so. And that kid isn't just gonna read roeper, he's gonna immediately google shocker and find graphic pictures.
You can't protect kids by hiding things from them. You can't hide things from kids. You can only protect them by putting this graphic world in a context and teaching them right from wrong.
Or you could just stick a finger up Roeper's ass while the other is in his vagina.
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A security guard flips out and claims to see ghosts. He calls his supervisor, who doesn't see ghosts. Because ghosts don't exist.
The supervisor fires him.
A judge just ruled that this man can still receive unemployment benefits.
Me? I worked 48 hours a week, but because of a legal loophole, they only counted as 8 (the butler law), so when I stopped working, I couldn't get jack dick of shit despite having worked for ten years.
Maybe I should have said I saw ghosts.
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For Katrina, Hillary Duff made immediate headlines for donating two hundred fifty thousand dollars to Katrina relief. She didn't go down there. She didn't raise a fucking hammer. She just wrote a check and kept being vapid. A check which didn't hurt her lifestyle at all.
Karl Malone marched his ass down there, plopped a few million down in manpower, and helped personally to clean up a few hundred homes.
Karl Malone didn't bring his PR agent. It's just getting reported on right now.
So fuck you, Hillary Duff, and Karl Malone? You set a fucking example for me, man.
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Christian apologists amuse me. Get this, a story about a piece of pottery being found that bears the name "GOLIATH"!
It doesn't say, "Goliath, who David slew!"
It doesn't say, "Yeah, Goliath existed! And to be sure we remember that, we're putting his GIANT ASS name on this pottery!"
They found a SHARD with GOLIATH on it.
Ergo, they now suppose, David and Goliath really happened, because the name existed at the time.
Wonderful logic there. It's like the people who find boats that carbon date to the time of "Noah" and then claim that the flood therefore happened.
No. It just means Goliath existed as a name at that time. PERIOD. Just as Jesus existed in the time of Jesus, but that doesn't mean a man rose from the fucking dead.
Tell me, if you want to prove that wood floats in water, do you work from the fact that there is a substance called wood, or do you look at wood in water.
With Christianity, it's more an assertion that pigs can fly, and they say because pigs exist, surely there's the chance they can fly.
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Bush continues to defend his war, though the public has finally moved on and seen through the bullshit. He has now resorted to scare tactics again. I saw him in a speech revert a question about CIA torture to "There's an enemy out there who wants to find us and kill us, and they're out there. And they want to kill us. And they're somewhere.".
He's also taken to going up on a pulpit and, instead of addressing the problems that plague both the American public and his damnable war, he instead says that it is irresponsible to criticize the war because it demoralizes the troops and it gives the terrorists what they want.
No, Georgie, what the terrorists fucking wanted when they hit the trade towers was to scare us so bad that we change our life and the way we live it.
You let them do that, when you should have stopped it.
And as for demoralizing the truth?
I've been thinking. A lot. It occurred to me on a long drive, and after seeing the movie Jarhead.
I realized that most soldiers love and are behind what they're doing in a given war. And if they don't, they always, ALWAYS have the option of refusing to fight.
They will go to jail, yes. But if you believe you're doing something wrong, you should stop doing it, PERIOD, consequences be damned. I believe, as do most troopers, that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees, and they do not kowtow.
I realized that most of the soldiers in Iraq agree with the president. Blindly, or with thought.
It came to me when I was hearing a radio program that espoused that unlike the Vietnam War (still a police action), in this war, nobody dares to question the soldiers, whereas the Vietnam conflict soldiers received a good deal of social criticism.
I said to myself, wait. There is no damned difference. These men are going over there, taking prisoners, and destroying towns over an idea. There is no My Lai, but there sure as shit is an Abu Ghraib, and what's the difference, when it comes down to a massacre versus wanton torture that leads to death?
And I realized that I am constantly berated for not supporting the troops simply because I disagree with the war.
And I realized that my counter has always been "I support the troops. I do."
I just came to the truth that I don't. I really don't. I don't support their decision to go to this war, I didn't want this war to happen, and I believe that by enacting George Bush's orders, they are doing wrong.
The problem is that there is an equivocation between supporting the troops and not wanting them to live. In this, I feel quite the opposite. I want them all to come home alive. I don't want any of them to be injured.
At the same time, I can't support what they're doing. I can't. I couldn't from the start. Not like the men of World War 2. Or World War 1. Or the Revolutionary War.
So Bush, when you say that I'm demoralizing the troops by criticizing this war, I don't give a shit. I think they're wrong to be doing what they're doing.
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Bush then said that his critics were DEEPLY IRRESPONSIBLE and leveling FALSE ACCUSATIONS.
Okay. I'll buy that. How, and which? Meaning, how are we being irresponsible by establishing a demand for proof that this war was worthwhile, and furthermore, what of our accusations are false? A list, please. Or hell, even one accusation you take issue with.
I imagine I'll be waiting for a while. Forever.
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Especially given that reports are coming in of DEATHS at these secret CIA prisons you didn't reveal to the public, you prick.
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From Bush's first speech condemning criticism of the Iraq war:
"...in many ways, this fight resembles the struggle against communism in the last century. Like the ideology of communism, Islamic radicalism is elitist, led by a self-appointed vanguard that presumes to speak for the Muslim masses. Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims, quote, "What is good for them and what is not." What this man, who grew up in wealth and privilege, considers good for poor Muslims is that they become killers and suicide bombers. He assures them that this road to -- that this is the road to paradise -- though he never offers to go along for the ride. Like the ideology of communism, our new enemy teaches that innocent individuals can be sacrificed to serve a political vision. And this explains their cold-blooded contempt for human life."
Let me revise that very slightly and make another speech.
"In many ways, this fight resembles the struggle against communism in the last century. Like the ideology of communism, Christian fundamentalist zealotry is elitist, led by a self-appointed vanguard that presumes to speak for the Christian masses. Pat Robertson and George Bush say that their own role is to tell Christian Americans what is good for them and what is not. What these men, who grew up in wealth and privilege, consider good for poor Christian Americans is that they become killers and American soldiers. They assure them that this road to - that this is the American Dream - though he never offers to go along for the ride. Like the ideology of communism, our new president teaches that innocent individuals can be sacrifices to serve a political vision. And this explains their cold-blooded contempt for human life."
I reiterate that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, and the only way to preserve democracy is to seek to end war. Not start it up again.
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1,100 lawyers just left Saddam Hussein's defense team, because they're not getting adequate protection from reprisal.
My question? How the hell does he need 1,100 lawyers, and can you guess who's paying for them?
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Good news! British troops should leave Iraq by 2006!
All nearly 10,000 of them compared to our 185 thousand!
And they say that Iraq forces will fill the gap.
But here's my subtle prediction. Call me crazy. My guess is political pressure will cause Blair to remove the troops, and then WE'LL have to fill the gap, because after all, it's OUR fucking war!
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Winner of the most selfish asshole on the face of the earth:
The man who caught HIV, then somehow managed to cure it without medicine on his own, but will now NOT submit to further testing to figure out why.
If I had HIV right now, I'd want to kill this fucker.
Good thing I've only caught righteous cynical indifference. Sigh. It could progress to Auto Ignorance Deficiency Syndrome, but I doubt it.
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ENDLESS HORROR WITH CHILDREN (FOR GOD)
Accident or not, we thank you, oh lord, for allowing a five month old child to suffocate to death on chili powder for sucking her thumb.
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Oh Lord, we thank you for making an 87-year-old man fuck a 16-year-old. Your bounty is merciful.
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We know, Jesus be praised, that somehow this 11-year-old girl who was raped and strangled somehow fits into your divine plan. Maybe when I'm raped and strangled too, I'll understand, God be praised!
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Mother Mary, we sincerely appreciate giving the gift of life to this mother who then fell over drunk while breast feeding and smothered her four-month-old child.
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NO SHIT STORY OF THE WEEK
The headline says it all: "Psychological Stress Tied to Bullying."
I can't get paid, but these fuckers can. Criminal.
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I love how the media reports on the obvious constantly. Like this headline:
MOST AMERICANS SAY BUSH NOT HONEST.
Yeah. Sure. No shit. They've finally turned on him, like they do to all second term presidents. The real question is why the fuck, even though he was doing the same thing he's doing now four years ago, no one cared THEN.
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SHOULDN'T BE FUNNY, BUT IS
A guy booby-trapped his home to stop burglars. He even put up a warning sign.
The trap went off on a burglar, and now he's under arrest? What?
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