Welcome to the home of the very worst of the meretricious poetasters!
number 87 for 12-11-05:
Suck Shit
Ho do fucking ho ho ho, mother fuckers, I'm back!
Took a few weeks off for a job to get Christmas presents, and I'm working on a novel this month, so don't expect rapid fire work, but I AM still watching the media, and I AM letting nothing slip through the cracks.
Special thanks to Phillip and Felix and Noah for the spiritual (not religious, mental) aid in getting back to where I need to be with this column. Sometimes you feel like you write in a vacuum. You gents help me realize that I write for something.
Cue the graphic.
Yes. You read that right. The pope says that Materialism pollutes the Christmas spirit. This WAS going to be a no-shit story until I realized that the pope meant materialism in the sense of attachment to worldly goods, not the philosophical belief that there are only minds and that we are in effect only the sum of our physical parts. (In other words, common fucking sense, antithetical to the Christian belief system).
Which brings me to what atheists spend their entire year scheming behind closed doors plotting and planning, preparing to unleash like a sodomite on a five-year-old (or is that God?)…mwu ha ha ha!
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!
That's right. Atheists, secular people, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoists, and Zoroastrians have ALL declared war on Christmas. Fox News tells me that all the time, so I know it to be true.
Because as we all know, Christians are an oppressed minority, and Christmas is the HEIGHT of what it means to be a Christian!
Except, well, the fact that America is 80-90 percent Christian, so there's no chance in hell there's any war or even a picking away at Christmas. Except for, well, the fact that it doesn't matter WHAT non-Christians want, it's absolutely SINFUL to say "Happy holidays" instead of Merry Christmas. Because, you know, like I always tell my Jewish friends on Chanukah, or whatever that Hebrew word is...wait. There is no common colloquial phrase for Chanukah, Ramadan, or even the Chinese New Year. Why? Because if Americans were to extend the same courtesy to other religions that they insist is REQUIRED of Christmas (saying MERRY CHRISTMAS instead of HAPPY HOLIDAYS), that would first require caring enough about anything other than our insular selves to help craft enough of a cultural identity outside of homogeneity to actually proliferate such a phrase.
So instead of finding the Jewish phrase and using it for them when they say Merry Christmas to us, we insist Jews use ours and none other. And when they say, "Hey, that sucks." They've declared war on Christmas.
And hey...since Christmas is the apex of what it means to be religious, why not illustrate that the pope has a fucking point? You know why I, an atheist, have a blast at Christmas? It's MATERIALIST in the sense that I am a MATERIALIST. Meaning, it emphasizes how much petty junk you can accumulate over any kind of spiritual awakening or celebration of the lord. Christmas is a BLAST for me. I don't have to go to church to get gifts or give gifts and enjoy them. I love Christmas almost as much as I love the Fourth of July, and I only like the Fourth more because instead of giving gifts we blow shit up without killing anyone.
So hey, Christian. Merry fucking Christmas, you win the war.
But now, you're a materialist like me, so suck shit.
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If you read this article, which talks about Alito, you think it's just a normal old article about his (no shit) conservative bent towards religion.
Because it's Fox, it points out how much he emphasizes freedom of speech (by allowing religion to be practiced in governmental arenas, destroying church and state seperation).
What's REALLY fucking scary and funny at the same time is the quote in the article from Bruce Hausknecht, saying that Alito is "very supportive" of free speech.
Why is this funny?
Bruce is from the conservative group FOCUS ON THE FAMILY.
Why is this funny? Well, Focus on the Family is a group that encourages suppression of freedoms, particularly of speech, for pornography, for non-christian speech and politics, and even worse, it boycotts companies until they accede to their wishes (most recently Target for not including MERRY CHRISTMAS in their advertising…they succeeded).
It's be like me saying, "You shouldn't say whatever you want".
That's Focus on the Family saying they understand free speech. There is NO difference between saying "You can't say that!" and badgering someone with financial ruin and protest until they don't say what they'd like. Both are destructive to free speech.
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Porn for Bibles. AWESOME idea. My hat is tipped and off for you gents.
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In another example of fucking over the little guy for a corporation, a judge has handed down a sentence for a coffee joint called "Sambucks" because they say she (the owner) intentionally conspired to use the Starbuck name to get rich.
The store opened TWO YEARS before Starbucks was even in the city. Starbucks offered her 500 bucks to change the name, and when she didn't, they sued.
She is now more than a hundred thousand dollars in debt in legal fees, and she has to throw all of her stock away.
Read the article. Corporations seriously get away with this shit all the time.
It's horrible.
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OH MY GOD!
BIGFOOT IS BACK! HE'LL KILL US ALL!
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A while ago I examined the right NOT to fill a prescription, and noted how it was fair and just not to ask an employee to violate their religion and fill birth control, but to make a law that supports that should also require that the employee find someone who will. Or make someone who will available.
That law, it would seem, I read, was already in effect.
And now pharmacists are, beyond that, refusing to tell people how to find that other pharmacist.
Now I'm less on their side, and more on the side of forcing them to fill it, if de facto they can't make the law work.
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A young boy saw a camera in the bathroom at school. Curious, he took it down, brought it home, and showed his mother.
The school suspended him for taking school property. Apparently, they were VIDEOING CHILDREN IN THE BATHROOM to stop vandalism. Instead of, oh, say, you know, realizing that kids vandalize and trying to catch them without pedophilia?
Apparently, it's legal somehow, because privacy rules are less strict for schools.
Why?
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Kids are once again playing "The choking game" as a fad. That's where you cut off blood to the brain for a cheap high.
The kids strap belts around their necks, and four have died.
GOOD.
They were too stupid to live.
I played the choking game when I was a kid. Most kids do. But I didn't choke myself. That's fucking stupid. I figured out how to do it in a way that won't kill or hurt you.
Take ten deep breaths as fast as you can, then blow on your thumb. Bingo.
Choking game without death.
Stupid kids.
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A woman was detained and taken to jail for refusing to show her identification to officers doing random ID checks on city busses.
Got your papers, Jews?
Or is that too uncomfortable and inappropriate a way to address this situation?
When will people realize this ID shit is going TOO FAR. You have a reasonable expectation of anonymity and privacy in public.
Support this woman.
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Something's really fishy about this story. Cops gave a critically injured man a ticket for jaywalking.
Even if he caused the damned accident, why issue a ticket while someone is critically injured? Get the fucker to a hospital.
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Dreamworks just sold out to corporate interests. Originally formed with Spielberg's help to try and promote independent artists and vision, they instead found they couldn't stay solvent because they pursued big budget films and thought in a poorly performing box office arena. So instead of paring back and doing good, small films, they simply sold out. And took Spielberg with them.
GOD DAMMIT. Now Lion's Gate is the only indie cinema we have. What a fucking world.
There is NO independent work out there that has any chance. Ridiculous.
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All this shit about Tookie Williams clemency?
FUCK Tookie Williams. Doesn't matter if he killed those fucking people or not, he still created the Crips. Even if he meant it as a social help organization (the line) instead of a gang for power (the reality), what he's done has caused, literally, thousands of deaths. For that alone, he deserves death.
Beyond that, even if he DOESN'T deserve death, there are a ton of QUESTIONABLE murder convictions that deserve more exploration.
THIS is the shit that makes actors look like asses. Not talking about the war.
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Again, Bill Frist comes forward with a policy that leans toward destroying checks and balances, all for political ends.
You want to filibuster Alito? Well, then, we'll just usurp law and make it so that you can't debate his nomination, Democrats.
Way to stifle democracy, fascist. Wait until the democrats have a majority (and the way shit's going, it's going to happen sooner rather than later).
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Hey, why not end on a happy note, before we get to the times that a child has been annihilated by evil adults?
A man caught a baby tossed from a burning baby, and the baby is fine. Just fine.
Merry Christmas.
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ENDLESS HORROR WITH CHILDREN (FOR GOD)
Thank you, God, for making a 17-year-old girl so vapid that she stood by while her boyfriend shot and killed her parents. Good job!
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Thanks for allowing a mother to murder her five month old daughter with COCAINE breast milk. Good going, you!
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Thanks, God, for the dad who got drunk, went on a hit-and-run spree, and put his son at the wheel with him, sitting on his lap. Marvelous plan.
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NO SHIT STORY OF THE WEEK
Here's a genius article, with a brilliant headline.
George Bush wants the PATRIOT Act reauthorized?
Really now?
Does the Pope hate gays?
Do atheists want to destroy Christmas?
That last was a joke.
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SHOULDN'T BE FUNNY, BUT IS
This article tells us that the pope thinks that gay activity, thoughts, actions, et al in the church are not okay, unforgivable, must be stopped, and etcetera.
Why is this funny and not a no shit story?
I immediately added my own postscript: Unless said homosexual activity is pederast, and unless said activity comes to light.
God bless us, every one!
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Remember Michael Brown, the director of FEMA who Bush pinned everything on, not taking responsibility? Yeah, that guy. "Darned good job" guy.
He's just established a firm for disaster preparedness. Not a joke. But funny.
What's sad is that he'll likely make more this year than I have or will in my life.
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This is how Santa fires his help.
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I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE!
A bartender has been jailed for serving a man 19 tequila shots. I never understood why the hell we hold bartenders responsible for something some idiot does to themselves. If I choose to drink 19 shots of tequila, and it kills my ass, do I blame the fucking bartender? Should I? No.
No more than I would blame a doctor who gave me 20 sleeping pills, and then I took them all at once.
Fucking morons.
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Here's a guy who was absolved of rape because he did it in his sleep. Oy. Yeah, right. Though admittedly, I have woken up on top of a gal next to me from a good dream, there's no fucking way you can rape someone without knowing it.
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I can't believe this is even a news article. I can't believe this school is so fucking stupid.
A student took pictures of students who stood (visibly from a public place) naked in a window.
That's legal, by the way. Anything you can capture on film from public is legal to publish. That's why you can't go into someone's house and take pics, but you CAN hide in the bushes with a telephoto lens.
Now, the girl who stood naked in a window is suing.
They're disciplining the student because he posted the picture on the school website. But then, if they punish him for that, they have to publish someone who puts up a picture of people they don't know interacting outside. Same thing.
The only thing they have a chance at is charging him with distribution of lewd material, but hey, NUDES are not lewd, unless they're fucking. Or at least, it's subjective.
Point being, I've seen FAR worse on college sites. And this is another case of some idiot doing something and refusing to take responsibility for it...a girl stood naked in front of a window, and she bitches when people see.
Uh, yeah.
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CENSORSHIP
Children are now being fined 103 dollars for expressing their freedom of speech.
Say fuck in school, they will ticket you for disorderly conduct. If the kid doesn't pay, the parents have to.
Detention? Fair. Suspension? Expulsion? Sure.
But allowing outside police to ticket in schools for SPEECH? Bullshit.
We're in a fucking Nazi state in some places in this damned country.
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ABUSE OF POWER
Remember those national security letters I told you about? The ones that have increased insanely since 9/11?
Well, guess where a lot of them are going. Terrorists? No. Iraqi-Americans? No.
The George Bush ENEMY LIST.
Just like Nixon before him, only now with 10,000 names.
And who is compiling the list, which lists personal and private information on people who are against George Bush, and has compiled it since he was a governor in Texas?
Karl Rove.
Good times, huh?
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