Hef For God, 2008
In Heaven, we get what we want
One would presuppose
And in high school
I was frequently asked
As an atheist
Why I didn’t want Heaven
Truth is, I do want Heaven
But my Heaven is the stuff that
One would presuppose
Gets you into hell
I would be walking around
Having an unending orgasm
Being fondled by more naked women than I can conceptualize
With the taste of pizza in my mouth
Belief in my fellow man
A nation governed by wise men
And hey, a continuing Earthly life
So I kind of can’t die
In order to go to Heaven
It’s not really odd that there’s contradictions in the idea of Heaven
What’s really odd to me is that these people, Christians
Who believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent being
That exists necessarily and is the creator of all contingent things
(though they can’t really prove any of those things in any way)
Believe in a place of rewards that they never take the time to describe
Beyond “God’s rule.”
Which is like saying “Uh, some place nice.”
I’ll take a Heaven where we’re young boys at heart
But can fuck and fight like maniacs
A Heaven where bad and overbearing preachers fry over coals
Where you can eat all the food you want and not get fat
Where you can do anything you want to a woman in sex
And get away with it, because it’s not really a person
It’s a Heavenly projection
It sounds a
lot like the