I DRILLED THROUGH MY FUCKIN DING-DING!

I drilled through my balls today.

Lo! The start of another epic poem.

Yes, friends,

I do a lot of stupid shit,

But this takes the cake.

Sitting, drilling downward between two joists

I should have known better.

But I did not.

I screamed when it happened.

I yelled:

OH SHIT OH FUCK I DRILLED MY FUCKIN BALLS OFF!

And the boys just laughed, naturally,

But this lady’s voice floats over the fence:

“This is a FAMILY NEIGHBORHOOD!”

And I turn, clutching my crotch, and say,

“LADY, I DRILLED MY FUCKIN NUTS OFF!”

And she says:

“I’m sorry about your injury,

But I have a little boy here.”

She held up a two-year-old

My boss looked over.

“WELL MAYBE YOUR LITTLE PUKE WILL KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW WHEN HE DRILLS HIS FUCKIN BALLS OFF!”

“You are a nasty man!” She yelled.

“Lady!” My boss shouted. “Didn’t you hear him?

He DRILLED HIS SACK RIGHT OFF!”

She slammed the door.

The whole neighborhood knew, now.

I clutched my bleeding crotch and

Lay down across the joists

Swearing that the world conspires against me,

Promising to immortalize this dumb bitch

In an epic chastisement.

The whole neighborhood knew.

And now you do.