Nigger

I put on my waders

And watched in horror

As they poured 6 yards of concrete

Into my form-boards and overdone rebar

The concrete cured slowly

And rain marred its face

The broom swept across its face

With the careful skill of my hired Aussie friend

Who put a beautiful sheen on my

Bastardized spreading of calcium and rock and sand

The clouds taunted us

And finally left

We watched it cure and prayed to the gods for mercy

And mercy for once, was granted

Probably for the Aussie’s karma

As I am forever punished for something my ancestors did

I guess

It set to the point that rain could not harm it

So he went on his way

Living in a neighborhood

With underprivileged kids

Who love to break windows

And steal cars and kill dogs

And do drugs and beat whites

Or blacks or anything

I knew I would have to defend this

So I got a chunk of wood

And sat on the porch

And watched

For three hours

Despite throbbing back

Head to toe concrete skin cover

An unceasing desire to piss a river

And the rain that soaked me

To the bone

I sat on the porch

And watched

For three hours

In the third hour

He came from around the house

And the alley

He quite literally had to walk

Through another person’s yard

In the pouring rain

And silent as a black church mouse

To do it

I am quieter than a black church mouse

When I am contemplative

So I saw him

Before he saw me

I saw him stop

I saw the smile on his face

White teeth on his black face

And I could, for the first time ever

Divine his thoughts through ESP

“Watch me fuck up this cracker’s concrete.

This is going to be great!”

I stand, but he’s already running.

He plants his first foot down

Leaving a huge mar in the concrete

And the second foot slides

Making his arms pinwheel

And leaving a foot long gouge

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

I scream

“YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

My neighbors thought I was being murdered

Because usually I am quiet

And a dirty minded sense of humor

But never violent

Even to the dog

When he pisses on my shoes

But here, for the first time in my life

I am thinking the word: NIGGER

And I bolt down my porch and after this child

Who runs straight into the busy street

Heedless of consequence

Almost getting killed by cars that squeal

I follow him, get across the road

And consider.

I am a runner. I exercise

I can catch the little bastard

And beat him senseless

But

When I do

The police will haul ME away

For taking retribution for a thousand dollar concrete slab

And

He might have friends waiting back in the alley

To REALLY stomp the concrete

And

If you beat on a black kid in Hilltop

Even if he raped your mother and shot her

You will be set upon by other blacks

And be beaten to death or shot

So I stop.

He stops.

He laughs at me, gives me a cocky wave, and starts ghetto leaning

Down the street

I am a man

Whose best friend has been black

From the time I was 5

To the time I turned 14

And it stopped only then

Because I moved out of the black neighborhood

Not by choice

I have always identified

With black people more than white people

For the simple reason

That they deal with shit all the time

Like me

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever thought NIGGER

At anyone

And this is more disturbing

Than the concrete

Or the chase

Or the simple malice of another human being

I’d never done anything to.

As he ran away, a policeman passed.

I waved him down.

He shrugged and kept driving

Prick

I went back to the house and called the police

Who arrived shortly thereafter

(a first in this neighborhood)

And

Trying to smooth the concrete after taking pictures

I tried to show him the digital film

And the camera dropped

And broke

Another 300 bucks gone

There is still a spot in the concrete

But I haven’t thought nigger again

After calming down

My inner racist shut the fuck up

But the kid

Got away

And his mother

Wherever she is

And his father

Wherever he is

If he even knows them

Will never mete any punishment

He had his fun

He fucked the cracker

And he marred a thing of beauty for malice

It now looks as if I smoothed the slab

In other words, poor

Because I did

I waited outside for another two hours with a bat

Hoping he would come back

But that’s what cruel is

That’s how evil abides

It rushes through

It laughs

It corrupts you

And it impoverishes you

And your neighborhood

And your community

Maybe it’s a mountain out of a molehill

Probably is

But I just can’t understand

I just can’t

I can’t

Why do others go out of their way to make life hell

For good people?

I understand vengeance on the wicked

It’s why I write

I do not understand

Blind anarchy